Blogposts will appear below. Newest on top.
Posts are written in one go, as a stream of conciousness. Hence the back-and-forth and a general mess in them. Sorry about that.
May 16, 2023
02:00 AM
The headache is gone.
From the moment I said I need to distance myself from others, I only grew closer to them. For once, they decide to get close to me. But it's too late. It's all to late for me. I'm too far gone into my own mind at this point to reach normality.
I don't feel love. The lust I feel is so primal, that with the first sober thought, it's all gone. I don't feel attachment. I can only pretend. The only thing I'm good at.
Lies, deceptions, manipulation. It's all in me. I'm all of it. I tried, again and again, to find myself anew. To survive the egodeath. To become someone I would really like to be. It's all pointless.
A fresh thought. I need art in my life. Classical music. Poems. Literature. Awaken the creativity. Check if it's still there. If it ever was.
And still, somehow cut ties with everyone. Everyone. Delete all social media. Delete communicaiton channels. Noone would really miss it, anyway. And move. Move far away. Further than my eyes could ever reach. Further than my legs could ever walk. Further than anyone would ever search for me. To be alone. To start anew. To communicate with a higher being. To live and die by the laws of unknown.
The darkness inside me overflows. I start choking on it. Soon, I'll be out of breath. I'll suffocate. My soul will wither away, leaving only the empty husk of my body, to forevermore roam the scorched Earth.
I don't believe that death would be the conclusion anymore. Wouldn't it be nice, if it was? It would be so easy to leave everything here, and leave, forever, without a care in the world. That's a soothing concept. Death wouldn't be soothing. Death wouldn't be that merciful.
I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of Death itself.
No one could run away from it. Not Gilgamesh. Not Jesus. It's scary how ultimate it is.
And I have nothing to bargain it for.
May 1, 2023
08:00 PM
I'm a bad person.
I realize that every time I interact with others. I don't know if I'm capable of feeling affection. I can cut ties with other easily. The moment I decide to, it's likely because they are not useful to me anymore.
I judge people. I value people. I objectify people. Relationships don't mean anyhting to me. One day I will move to Southern Asia with one suitcase and won't come back. Cut ties with everyone, abandon all my accounts. I don't think anyone would care. I would not care if anyone else did that, why would others?
I don't really care what others think of me. The only reason I want to come off as a good, reliable and sorted-out person is to manipulate. If others think highly of me, it would be easier to influence their decision, their actions. It would be easier to rely on me. To share secrets. To trust. That's how they fall.
I can't feel affectionate. I tried, tried, tried. Now I'm just in a bit of a pit, and it's hard to climb out. It's not impossible, it's not that hard, I just don't want to dirty my hands. I'm waiting for a rain, to wash the walls down. To make the ascend easy.
I need to become stoic. Let go of emotions, they tie me down too much anyway. Need to wake up. To die, and be reborn. An egodeath might be the way, but getting hands on drugs seems to be too much of a hassle. It's not hard, just inconvenient.
I'm not special. I never was. I never will be. I'm not above others. Don't get that idea, I don't look down upon others. I envy them. I would love to be normal. Feel affection. Feel love. Feel brotherhood.
Connections are a primal need. I need to get rid of it. I need to get rid of people on my back. Those are chains, holding me down.
I tried to reconnect with society these past few months. It doesn't work. I don't work here. I'm a cog for a different machine. It's time to leave.
I wonder if there are drug for suppressing emotions?
February 20, 2023
09:30 AM
It's been weird. I've been weird.
I feel very out of body. Have trobule grasping scale of things. I fear closing eyes. I fear falling asleep. The dreams are weird. I've been dreaming people. Many people. Various people. People I know, people I don't know, people I wish I knew.
I feel so out of touch with reality. It's like a facade is finally breaking down. I want to cry so much. I want to feel so much. Yet, these hands will never hold anything.
I've been trying. I installed Tinder and similiar apps. Then I realized - I have no idea how to talk to people. How to converse. How to meet up with others. So far I've been getting by, recently fueled by benzodiazepines mostly. Now, I don't know if it's the withdrawal kicking in, or is it just me.
No idea what to do. Should antipsychotics be helping me with this? Should amisulpride calm me down? Make me feel real? Make me real?
At this stage, I want to feel good. I don't want to feel the real emotions. I don't care about reality. I just want to feel good. Feel better. But I can't explain it to anyone. I tried. I can't
I wonder if I feel alone. There are people around me, it's not like they don't feel real. I'd just like to meet someone new. Change something. Maybe that would help. Maybe that would validate myself.
The last med I've been taking is lamotrigine. Have no idea what it does. Helps me with the shaking, perhaps. I don't know.
I feel sorry for you if you're reading this. It's an absolute mess. I know. Sorry.
I wonder if I told my psychiatrist I'm addicted to alprazolam if he would perscribe me more. Or something else. Or help me in any way. I can hardly believe him anymore.
I wish I could talk to a real person.
I'm still afraid of dying.
January 7, 2023
01:30 AM
It's an awful day again. I feel sick. I don't know why. The feelings building up inside me are unbeknown to me. It's all a puzzle I can't solve. I'm missing something. I'm missing much.
I keep thinking, I don't even know about what. It feels like my mind is chasing a wild thought, not knowning what that thought is. I'm getting left out, I keep losing focus, I can't really put my mind onto anything.
I'm visiting hometown now. On the train ride I took a book with me. I read some of it, but kept dozing off looking out the window. It's such a mystery, whatever's happening to my conciousness.
The book I took with me was Solzhenitsyn's novel, The Gulag Archipelago, Part 1. It's about Soviet prison system, how the people were arrested, imprisoned, executed and remembered. It's a tragic novel, but a fascinating read. It's a frightening thing, what a person can do to another. Eye-opening, really.
I got the perfumes I ordered the other day. Nishane Sultan Vetiver. It's as beautiful as I hoped it to be. Which I should be happy about. It's hard though.
Recently I stumbled upon an AI Vtuber, Neuro-Sama. It's interesting, captivating and a little sad at the same time. Interesting, how far the technology have come, for chatbots to be so entertaining. Captivating, because despite the knowledge of it being fake, it's so genuine in its attempt to be real. And sad. It's sad, how much people need this. How they need interaction, not even a real one. People are so alone nowadays. And by watching the fake Vtuber, I'm proving to be, too.
The bad days are outnumbering the good ones now. This week I felt good for a day, at best. I'd like to feel better. I don't know how to. At the moment, I've decided on going to psychiatrist and telling him I need happy pills. Don't really know if that'll help. Don't really know any better.
My sentences are very short today. For the reason I explained earlier, I have a hard time concentrating. I don't even remember what I was writing about few minutes ago.
My parents started noticing something's wrong with me. They know I'm struggling with my mental state, they know I've visited a psychiatrist and a psychologist in the past, they know I take meds. They try to help me, they don't know how to. I wish they could understand my thought process, but alas, I have a hard time understating it myself, so it's asking for a bit much. Truth is, no one can really help me if I don't know how to help myself.
I don't know if I want people to care. On one hand, I feel like that would take the burden off me a bit. On the other, it would just place the burden on someone else. The last thing I want is to hurt someone else by my own egoism. It's my burden. It's my cross. I have to take it myself. But somedays it's very much. It might be too much one day. I keep feeling that lately.
In fact, it would be better if noone cared. It would be so much better. It would be so much easier. The ultimate act of selfishness would be just a natural step.
I feel awful. I pray for better tommorow.
January 4, 2023
02:00 AM
I always write at night. It's likely because it's the only quiet part of the day, during which I can really relax.
I'm looking down on the street from my window. Not much happening at this hour, on wednesday night. One or two people have passed since half an hour, maybe three cars have driven through. It's just me, headphones and the street lights.
Living in city has always been a weird like of mine. I'm a loner, and hardly talk with anyone first. Despite that I like the city, the bustle, the people, the noise. It's easy to get lost in the city, and not in myself.
But, a double-edged sword. I see all kinds of people - people who are richer, people who are poorer, people who are happy, people who are sad. It's so easy to get envious of those who, as I believe, have it better than me. It's so easy to get lost in the sin.
I've driven a bike first time in few months yesterday. It was a refreshing experience, as I remembered how much of a dopamine rush it is. Hope the warm weather will keep for a while, so I don't have the excuse of bad weather to use the public transport. Which sucks, by the way, as I can get to work twice as fast using bike. And the bike (almost) always works.
Some nice purchases coming through this week. A vetiver Nishane fragrance and a nice leather-esque jacket I've found online. I like buying things. Takes my mind off the irrelevant stuff. To the other irrelevant stuff, true, but eh. It's something.
I keep wondering if I should go back to psychiatrist soon. It's been two months, I've used up the drugs and keep wondering if I should go get a refill. Or, better yet, new meds. The schizo ones are helping, but are too calming - I sleep for 1x hours when I take them. I would like to lay off the schizo meds, with the hope of my mental state keeping stable, but take on depression meds. With the obvious hope of them keeping me up during the worse days. But what's worse, the pain or the hangover?
Speaking of hangovers, I've decided to lay off the alcohol as a new year's resolution. Don't know if that means all alcohol or stronger liquors only yet. A beer after a long day may be nice, but also tempting for more. Dilemmas.
I'm still thinking about the eventual self-discovery journey. I feel completely lost at the thought of growing up, finding my own place, creating my own persona. It's like I'm constantly copying parts of others, trying to merge them into a single consciousness. Probably I'm thinking that if I make myself similiar to someone, they will eventually like me. At least that's what I think, I think. Troubling...
I've tried listening to Merzbow today. And got filtered hard. I generally enjoy all music, but it's too much. It's a mystery, how to even start writing songs like that. Had to take a shelter and listen to BlackBolshevik again. As a Peggy fan, fantastic record. Prison Riot is compelling.
Two days of the week left. Here's to hope it will pass swiftly.